The Art Of HBOing... Movies

It is all about content - and specialty channels, in order to merely fill their time and maintain a semblance of competing with their competitors who come in a myriad forms these days, make absolutely sure that they will have said content - in spades. Hence the multi-party deals to produce quantities of mediocre films - cheaper by the dozen and even greater wastes of celluloid that the history of cinema has ever witnessed in, say, its first nine decades. Seriously.

All of this production is astonishingly the fruit of the labor of not merely a handle but several production companies that banded together - for such dismal results, somehow. It boggles the mind that so many people and companies, too, are needed to put together films of such low quality overall... The key denominators here: TELEFILM Canada. Québec tax credits for film production of lesser appeal and such! And TMN - The Movie Network... also based in Canada! No kidding.

How can HBO, home of so many legendary television ''events'' as of late (meaning the last ten years, or so) be the progenitor of so many rotting wastes of celluloid - as we like to refer to them, here... hmm? It appears inconceivable, but it is absolutely true. We have seen it.

Cases in point: 

LAVENDER 

An attempt at a twist on the good old ghost story, 

this one takes the form of borderline thriller 

with lots of curveballs along the way --- 

so much so that it quickly becomes,  

all at once, cliché and too much! 

It is part of another trend we see a lot now, also: 

that of setting the action in the 80s! 

The key tragic event that sets everything off 

takes place then - in some countryside house... 

After the flashback sequence, we quickly switch 

to the present-day action - that, in itself, is 

so very cliché now. But linear storytelling 

is often required, for immature audiences...  

It begins, somewhat, like a female Memento. 

The star bears an uncanny resemblance to 

a big Hollywood star of the day (see, below!) 

and that works in endearing us to the character 

who is highly unlikable, truth be told... 

Then it becomes clear that she is the adult version 

of a damn-near Exorcist Kid we caught a glimpse of 

at the very beginning of the film...!!! 

Not good - at all. 

Attempts to borrow from The Sixth Sense 

and various other sources only make it worse... 

The presence of Dermot Mulroney 

(any relation to Ben... and Brian?!? One day 

we will bother to google that... once again, not today!) 

and Justin Long (of Mac and PC fame) 

sink this whole sad exercise ever further down... 

The unlikely plot and premise from the start 

coupled with the directing and acting that are, 

at best, adequate, do not make this 

memorable one iota - 

au contraire... it's a waste of our time. 

And as you will see, that is the pattern here... 

Charlize? No - try Abbie!

WAIT 'TIL HELEN COMES 

now, this one is based on a book 

which may or may not have been faithfully adapted 

by the screenwriter when it was made into a film - 

this is, again, another attempt at renewing 

that old, classic, scary ghost story formula:  

again, ghosts that are, for some illogical reason, 

''trapped'' in the living world... 

The entire story takes place in the early 80s here;

no, we did not check out the source material, 

but if the book is like the script here, 

then both the author and scriptwriter 

have abysmal understanding of the afterlife! 

A couple of ghosts will not become trapped 

of their corpses nor their houses - come on!!! 

A ghost may remain and linger in this plane of existence 

when there is an unresolved issue or a guilty conscience, 

true; but the spirits of the accidental casualties 

will not remain there - and if they did, it wouldn't be 

as mere observers, never manifesting themselves...! 

They would be the ones contacting any ''special one'' 

(here portrayed by the annoying new talent Sophie Nélisse) 

--- not the guilty party!!! 

More so, the ''guilty conscience ghost'' here 

-not an evil entity per say, according to the plot- 

is causing even more deaths and tragedy 

by its mere presence!!! 

This makes no freaking sense!!! 

The only way it might would be if presented 

as a ghost who is inviting the living to join her 

in the Great Beyond - having seen the futile nature 

of this ephemeral bodily existence, 

as opposed to the wonders that lay ahead,  

in the spiritual realm... 

Alas, the morons who penned this make nary a mention 

of the scores (presumably) of ''missing girls'' 

led to their death (by drowning, in a lake-  

bodies conveniently never found either!) 

whose ghosts seemed to have drowned, too... 

If the two other ghosts (spoilers - if you can follow!) 

get to be stuck in their predicament, 

why not the missing girls who, like the protagonist's 

sister, wanted so much to ''be with her'' 

(her being the Helen of the title - 

vague lesbian undertones here, perhaps; 

may have convinced Maria Bello to join the cast? 

But one cannot confirm that - at all.) 

At least Lavender had all of the ghosts participating,  

wanting justice to be done; here, three quarters of them 

are totally and utterly forgotten the moment they pass...!? 

Sloppy writing - that the directing, rife with 

all the same tired old tricks used a thousand times before, 

does not make up for one bit. 

Again - two hours (almost) wasted forever. 

(And an extra hour blogging about it!)

... STILL cannot believe it took ALL of the following 

companies to produce this single tiny flick:

...yeah - just believe in ghosts, alright...!!! 

(see one right there?)

Best special effects of the entire production: 

this O.D.G. animated logo!!!

THE HISTORY OF LOVE 

They recycled good ol' Derek Jacobi into this one 

(''I, Claudius'' himself...!) 

and he probably marveled at the greater production values here... 

Might have been the case for the other recycled goods here: 

Elliot Gould! (M*A*S*H* and Silent Partner - yeah, him!)

Alas, the actual content is, once again, sadly lacking 

in so many areas --- it isn't even funny; 

that Nélisse girlie is in this -again- proving she is to acting 

what Eugenie Bouchard is to tennis...  

The plight and destiny of the artist is explored here - 

but superficially at best - frustratingly so. 

The flashbacks alternate with the present-day humdrumness; 

and that is okay... Everything else is off, however; 

one wonders, at the end, if this was even 

a story worth telling - a movie worth making... 

let alone watching! 

A huge letdown for a flick with such 

a great and promising title...

... without a doubt, the lone bit of good cinematography 

in the entire History Of Love - and it comes fairly early on 

(within the first five minutes, in fact!) 

THE PERFECT STALKER 

Maybe the worst one of the bunch - 

but, no, actually; it outdone by The Queen Of Sin - below! 

The Stalker here is quite literally Imperfect, really; 

she reminds the viewer of another Hollywood starlet, too - 

alas, this time, it's the failed ''star'' of the infamous 

bomb directed by Verhoeven: you know which one! 

An uncanny resemblance, in looks and acting skills, 

that dooms the entire initiative from the very onset - 

as this is nothing more than another one of those 

''wannabee thrillers'' about the obsessive maniacal mind 

who is willing to kill everyone in order to obtain 

the object of its affection - or pure wanton lust. 

And then the dénouement is such that, even this desire,  

this crazed passion, is not all that believable at all either; 

and this is a problem with absolutely all of these films, 

really - illogical developments, scene after scene... 

Hell, line of dialogue after line of dialogue even! 

This sort of fare reminds me of the old straight-to-video 

releases that old Blockbuster was full to capacity of...!!! 

You would rent them, hoping it was as good as 

that jacket made it out to be... And feel sorry 

for having been, once again, duped and suckered into it! 

Movies for guys who don't care about movies...!!! 

... no - she's not the Stalker in question 

(might have been more believable as such, mind you...!) 

--- she is: 

... whatever! 

That repetitive song -whose lyrics you can read there, 

thanks to the modern miracle of closed captioning- is truly 

what captivated the most in this entire flick; 

who sings that and what is the title of it: 

I need to know!!!

GOTCHA!!! 

''Desperation'' by Psylogica... 

not the portentous music of this particular sequence 

(nor the one easily found on YouTube - 10 minutes-long, no lyrics!) 

but we are happy with this umpteenth search's results! 

And as for the histrionic female lead here... 

Whoever she is, we are sure her career will go on - 

she will thrive on, in Tinseltown, for sure...!

Even on your day off from work, and it's raining (or hailing) outside... 

say no to this proposal (the ''WATCH NOW'' bit - duh.) 

Because you know it: it won't end well... (no spoilers!) 

THE QUEEN OF SIN 

Production values go right out the window with this one; 

although it attempts to shoot in (some) refined locations 

its overall look is scampy at best - and dull. 

A run-of-the-mill plot about urban grime 

and debauchery, riddled by an unremarkable cast 

and (very) misleading title 

(one that, we assume, points at the lead character; 

who is nothing like that and purported to be 

quite the vestal virginal blushing type instead 

but is portrayed as such by the very unbelievable 

(in the role; not due to her otherworldly beauty 

or anything like that; she's quite... typical, actually!) 

Christa B. Allen (below - trying to look intense. 

What's the ''B'' for, we wonder? 

But she has got Christ in her name; 

we'll give her a pass...) 

is, actually, another one who reminds us 

a hell of a lot, of the Showgirls star...!!!

The title of ''queen of sin'' would better fit 

the character portrayed by Inga Cadranel:

an average actress, at best - but, at least, she did fit the bill here! 

Alas, she reminds us too much of a witch we know - 

thus, she ain't got our vote! 

Special mention to: 

COOKING WITH STELLA 

a charming comedy - despite the story, 

acting and insufferable presence of that Mckellar dud... 

THE REPEATERS 

supposed sci-fi, cheaply done - as only Canadians can. 

It may have worked out (somehow) as with the remake of 

Battlestar Galactica - but no, not here, folks! 

DIAMOND TONGUES 

the lone offering that we can be kind to, really - 

for it presents a touching -if pathetically sad- rendering 

of the plight of the artist in modern society 

(in particular the struggling thespian) 

Leah Fay Goldstein is not really a better actress 

than all the other ones we've just bashed here... 

But she is very touching in the role. 

(Alas - she reminds most everyone of Allison Mack!)

And all this leads us to conclude one thing, though... 

HBO... sucks! 

Their partnership with TELEFILM Canada
and The Movie Network 

certainly does... big time! 

''TV series'' (in name only - 

as they are not made in the traditional 

television sense; but, hey - 

that sense is going out the window now 

as traditional television no longer is 

with the proliferation of a multitude 

of broadcasters now 

of which HBO may have the pioneer 

but no longer is the kingpin - 

that honor goes to Netflix now! 

But I digress...)  

hence, ''TV series'' are not 

their only thing; 

alas, HBO has no clue 

what makes for good cinematography! 

Even b-series and c-series flicks of yesteryear 

(including blaxploitation and sexploitation) 

were worthier than THAT...! 

This multi-layered collaboration 

between various production companies 

may be giving work to a variety of peeps - 

but the end results are abysmal indeed. 

Can it be surprising, though, when we know 

that this is really, in fact, 

HBO Canada? 

... and it is so darn annoying, each time 

such a ''feature presentation'' is announced, 

it comes with music that sounds exactly like 

the theme composed for Marvel's hellacious Avengers! 

It wasn't like this, back in the good old days... 

--- we had the real Avengers back in those days, too! 

...but that's another story!